jbark325's Xanga

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 20:25:05 GMT

Last year I read l'Étranger, a book that solidified some of my beliefs for a brief period of time. I think it's kind of funny, but mostly pathetic, that I once felt so connected to a book whose impact was so profound then, but inconsequential now. The only detail I can recall, with absolute confidence, is that Marie riait toujours like a fucking bimbo.

This year, I will finish reading La Place. I wonder what profound but ephemeral impact it'll have on my feelings toward my mother, as well as what will fade away the slowest.

It might be a coincidence that I end up liking the required texts in my French classes every year, but selfishness drives me to interpret these themes in ways that inhibit rational thinking. It's taken me a long time to admit that these bouts of depressive symptoms, lasting shortly and occurring infrequently, relate mostly to the sun, which influences our weather and my happiness. And, speaking of predictable solar influences, that's why I liked l'Étranger. Good timing, then.

Sometimes I let myself hurt terribly, like half an hour ago, when my professor introduced ways to prevent suicide. I run away from my emotions easily; it's never an issue when I need to get work done. I finished taking notes with stoicism any real man would be proud to display. But sometimes, it just feels nice to feel terrible.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:12:39 GMT

Fall
It seems I lose a friend every fall. It makes me wonder whether I should blame my sensitivity to seasonal changes or accept the fact it happens to everyone else.
Maybe I judge the world too quickly and harshly, but I accept my friends as wholes and, to new people I see myself interacting with later, I try to be polite. Since Megan’s death, I’ve placed less emphasis on everything save for certain priorities. That’s why today, I invest so much emotionally in my friendships and sense, with disquieting ease, subtle differences over time. Those who’ve never known loss call it paranoia. The ones who worry most blame it on profound, internal and static factors; they also assure me, unconvincingly, it’s paranoia. No one recognizes it as selfishness, though that's all it is--a desire for stability, really. Very few find this anxiety charming because in the end, I can never say I love anyone unconditionally and for eternity. I have this ironic tendency to trust, without question, new people in my life to stand at my side through my trials, whereas when those close to me show me support, I can breathe just knowing they haven’t left me, yet. And when new people in my life desert me, I barely notice. I might feel sensitive, momentarily, but it turns into bitterness and my life goes on. But sometimes when I catch myself doubting those close to me again, after a paroxysm of peace, I hate myself.
I wish this cycle could end, but I find myself vacillating so often between fears of losing them to my mistakes or sudden death as well as their love and moments I realize I can endure a world that recognizes my ultimate value the way I do with everything else.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sun, 18 Oct 2009 19:14:10 GMT

I don't have time to think about this too carefully, but basically--

It's funny how a few years ago, we always told each other we'll never forget x and we'll always love y. Unfortunately, we each contradicted those constants throughout adolescence. Case in point: Megan's suicide. Almost none of our expectations were met in life, except the ones we worked toward. I guess what matters is how much we've matured and the fact we did together. As far as I'm concerned, in terms of love, the past is always irrelevant. When I think about how scared I was about losing you, considering all our pubescent pretensions and tendencies as well as our chemically derived depressions, it's hard to believe I love you more today than I did then. These thoughts and similar ones apply to my family and other close friends.

I have this unhealthy obsession now with suppressing my emotions whenever I have to work. I'm sorry I'm not creative anymore.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 04:01:49 GMT

Friday, April 24, 2009

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 23:48:05 GMT

http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/04/23/bullying.suicide/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

i didn't have anywhere else to post this, but I'll make this blog public.

Monday, April 06, 2009

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:15:03 GMT

I compromised my beliefs but never betrayed anyone, and this is what I get?

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 08:16:12 GMT

So my roommate just jerked off again while I was in the room.

A not so happy New Year, but a peaceful one

Thu, 01 Jan 2009 09:55:25 GMT

I can't say I'm feeling particularly happy right now, but I have no qualms about this past year. I've never entered a year feeling so secure and loved that even seasonal depression couldn't delude me. I'm simply certain that most aspects of my life are the best they've been in a long time; the choice remains my own whether to ruminate on what may come or never return.

Perhaps I've become more selfish; perhaps by caring less I'm losing chances to restore what once made me smile. Yet this time, I'm making a conscious decision inspired not by stubbornness, but a desire to live peacefully.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Wed, 03 Dec 2008 04:15:08 GMT

Random thoughts:

- Everyone is freaking out about finals, but I'm fine. I'm probably going to study as much for each final as I did for each test. I don't see any need to freak out, yet.

- I want to transfer to a good school. If I can get in, I'll definitely consider going. The psych department here sucks. The research is hip and shit, but I don't feel comfortable with the undergrad psych program, man. At least if I go to a school with a better name, I'll have that, right? Though there are tons of opportunities here... I'll have to see!

- I'm visiting Shannon in Philly next weekend! And I just found out a bus actually goes straight from Boston to Philly... hum. Whatever. The more you know, right?

Because Xanga is more appealing than Cultural Relativism

Fri, 14 Nov 2008 03:42:46 GMT

Random thoughts:

My roommate is on his 3rd or 4th phone in 2 weeks. A group of Northeastern students posed as BU frat boys, isolated him, beat him up and stole his first phone. Fair enough. But after the 2nd phone, I sort of realized he's a spoiled bitch.

Brittney is so mean to me, but I'm really excited to see her. I bet you, she's going to smile when she sees me.

Joey and I are going to Evanston to watch a movie. Someone should join us or I'm making him my boyfriend that night. Can you sense my desperation? I guess I'd be satisfied with someone's approval. When I think about the idea of having a boyfriend, dealing with his shit, breaking up, etc., I realize I really only want pure, animalistic sex. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

Actually, I'm saving myself. I know that sounds weird, but seriously, I am not contracting an STD anytime soon.

Shannon got laid. She fucking got laid. Freshman year, she acted all cute and prude. "What's a blowjob!? LOL!" Now, look at her. I'm almost jealous of her, but I'd rather not have humongous tits.

Maybe I need to lose some more weight? No, I must lose weight. I sometimes wish I could get a knife and carve that shit off, but uhh... the only carving I do on my body is of the word "love", with a harmless pen. (TWLOHA, get it?)

Iris and I keep talking about how much food we plan to eat. How the hell does she expect me to get boys this way? She keeps teasing me... fried sausages, feta cheese, olive oil, toasted french bread, PF Chiang's, Giordano's (my idea)... oh boy. I guess that's why I love her, though.

Maybe I just won't eat Wednesday so I'm realllllly hungry during Thanksgiving. I could play bulimic, too. Luckily, I still have my gag reflex. (Ahem, Shannon).

I feel like I know exactly what this Thanksgiving break will be like. Iris and I probably won't go to Chicago; the group definitely won't drink. But still, that's OK with me. I just miss my assholes and cunts :)